If you read my post The End of Mrs T, you will know I have been reassessing my blog. I have decided to only blog when I feel passionate to write something. I love that other people read my blog and I am grateful. However, it was created as a therapy for me; it is my sound board.
In keeping with this vibe, I wanted to share quite a personal post with you. This post started as a way of me releasing the anger and frustration felt on a horrid day in January.
I share this as an insight into the chaos that my over-thinking mind experiences on a bad day. We all have days like this and I wanted to share this to show it is OK to feel hopeless.
Life isn’t all smiles and Instagram perfect pictures. Sometimes, you get a bad Sunday in January that you have to navigate.
Mental Health Crisis: A Bad Day In January
Damn, I was meant to get up earlier. That has screwed up my body clock to mammoth proportions. I will never get to sleep by 10.pm tonight. My body aches all over. I feel like I have 100 lbs weighing down on me rather than the duvet. I hoist myself out of bed knowing that today will be a struggle both physically and mentally.
The wind sweeps my greying hair as I hold onto my daughter’s hand. Gale force winds had been battering the house overnight and now I was worried it would take my child with it, despite her being ‘big for her age’.
I lift her into the car and start to try and get her to sit in a car seat properly. This is a task that only miracle workers can achieve; her coat getting in the way of everything.
My daughter did not help either, refusing to sit up straight while I fastened the straps. As she squirmed and shouted due to her dearest brother winding her up. All this while I tried to push in the buckles while my backside hung out of the passenger seat. Not a sight the neighbours want to see with their breakfast.
11.am B and Q
We finally found it. After taking for what felt like forever and not having the luxury of knowing where the place was. A DIY shop is the stuff of nightmares.
I wonder the long ales aimlessly, as I try to work out how much grout it will take to attach two-floor tiles. As a girl I used to dream of the perfect home; I did not know how achieving that is impossible unless you are a millionaire.
These places make me nervous; why can’t I find a square toilet seat? If they sell square toilets you would have thought they sold replacement square toilet seat. Has the world gone mad or have I missed something?
11.30 The Toy Shop
Why did we think it was a good idea to take our children to a toy shop? Isn’t that the wonder of ordering online? As my son’s birthday approaches I have the monumental task of making him happy without having to take out a second mortgage.
In my opinion, your shops need to change. Why on earth do they split the ‘girls toys’ from the ‘boys toys?’ Every toy shop assumes boys want cars and girls want dolls. They stereotype .in all sorts of ways.
I tried to distract my daughter from the fact we were buying toys for her brother. I made my way through the endless rows of pink toys in the ‘girls’ aisle in disbelief at how sexist it was.
My daughter started playing with a shopping till and it made me think, do men not work in shops? My son loves to play kitchen and shop and my daughter plays with dinosaurs. Likewise, with the cars being in the boy’s section, do girls not drive cars? This made my blood boil.
Then I had to persuade my daughter to leave the shop. There were tears and shouts of ‘no’ as she threw me a cold share which seemed to say ‘I could chop your head off right now mother.’
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. The rage inside me swirled like a fire that has taken hold. Slamming the kitchen cupboard; the loud bang shocked my daughter.
I had simply banged my head, but it felt like my world had collapsed. Storming out of the kitchen, I immediately took solace in a gigantic swig of coffee. I stood frozen to the spot, unsure what I needed to do next.
Instant regret set in. I must apologise to my husband for my irrational behaviour. Choosing to storm into the kitchen with as much passion as I did just two minutes before.
“I’m sorry I slammed the door, I feel like I want to kill someone”
“go and have a lie-down, I will sort the kids” he replied in a deep tone as he opened the oven door.
What has become of me?
So, now I am here. In bed on a Sunday afternoon listening to the combination of the dehumidifier and the gale force winds that currently batter the trees outside.
My head does not even hurt from when I had banged it. My whole body feels heavy; I have a cold but this is not a result of that. This is the result of pushing myself too far in a month that is notorious for being the worst month ever.
After having an amazing Christmas with the family, I returned back to reality. The weather has taken a plunge, the nights are still dark and gloomy. I am back at work with a million tasks to do and a tide that goes in the opposite direction. There is simply not enough time.
I always the strong one and I am sick of it. The one that always has their stuff together. As a mother who works full time, I should be able to juggle four plates while painting the ceiling of the flipping Sistine Chapel all to the tune of Happy by Pharrell.
My body aches; my shoulders, head and neck have the weight of the world on them. Gravity pushes my body down with great force. I have never felt this bad since I was pregnant. Even now when I am supposed to have a rest I am three steps ahead of myself. I have finished the YouTube video I wanted to watch and wrote a post of things I want to improve in the house. My off switch does not exist.
As I lay here in bed, fully clothed, I wonder what the point of doing a ‘good’ job of things is. I am dressed in the red spotty dress I got for Christmas because I did not want to look like a hobo while we took our kids to the toy shop. It is only a toy shop, so why wear a smart outfit? Guilt is the main culprit.
Guilty as charged
Everything causes me guilt. I feel guilty for buying clothes that I don’t wear so I force myself to wear them. Being a mum, I feel guilty for not being with my kids at this moment, having locked myself away. I feel guilty because my husband has to deal with the kids on his own.
Another desire is to sleep, to which I also feel guilty for. If I sleep now, I won’t sleep tonight which will mean getting a serious case of grumpiness tomorrow.
My eyes keep lowering and as soon as my chin hits my chest I spring up and remind myself ‘you must not sleep’. My day, wasted because I do not want to emerge from my bed shaped security blanket.
Being kind to myself was never my strong point. However, being critical comes naturally. It is second nature. I have always been something of an overachiever and my strong work ethic means I often ‘want it all’. Unfortunately, my body and brain won’t allow that to happen.
As I type, my head whirls with possibilities of what I should be doing rather than lay in bed.
- Write the list of household improvements in my bullet journal. This shows I have my stuff together because I will be conquering goals.
- Eat my weight in chocolate and ice cream as comfort.
- Play with my children. I should be spending more time with them as they are the most important thing in my life.
- Clean my way out of this funk even though my shoulders are in pain.
- Learn something new and be a better person.
- Close my eyes and……
I am still in pain but the urge to kill someone has eased slightly. I am curled up with my children watching children’s TV. True to my word, I fell asleep for a short time earlier.
Today has been such a write-off. I feel guilty for my erratic emotions. I feel bad for not making the most of my weekend. Mostly, I feel in need of a new body and brain, this one is broken.
It is hard to pinpoint what caused all of this stress within me. Nothing has changed around me to cause this. Is this pain a way of my body telling me something is wrong. Whatever it is, it needs to buy a bus ticket and get out of my life for good.
Thankfully, the next day was slightly better. Just remember that bad days are there to make you appreciate the good ones. The days you feel like you cannot cope, you will survive and move onto better ones.
Do you relate to any of the feelings I have expressed? I would love to hear what you encounter on the days where the world feels against you.
Ciao for now beauties xx