I am writing this in a serious state of annoyance and frustration, every ounce of my being is on the verge of saying ‘just give up’. I have been in this place many a time over my lifetime, at the point where I cannot take much more, wanting to hide under the duvet and refuse to come out. I am being eaten up by feelings of worthlessness; I try to do my best as a person but it just seems like whatever I do, I cannot win, even if I have the best intentions I am still wrong.
There is a demon inside my head and it is telling me that I am not good enough; that I cannot do my job properly or be the mother and wife that my family deserve, that I am a friendless loser who drives people away. The demon inside my head is telling me ‘you are a weirdo, nobody likes you, you are pathetic and not worthy’. This feeling makes me want to reach inside my brain and rip out the negative thoughts and fling them away as far as I can.
How the demon operates
We all have demons we carry around with us, they are always there the minute things go wrong to chip in with phrases like ‘why does this always happen to you?’, ‘what is the point in carrying on?’, ‘you brought this on yourself’, ‘you might as well not bother’. The negative demons can twist a little situation into an incident of massive proportions that render us unable to function like the rational human being that we usually are.
The demon is also very clever, they can manipulate every insecurity that you have and use it against you. If you are a person who gets paranoid easily, the demon can twist someone else’s laughter into judgement or an innocent comment into a complex indirect jibe at you personally, a phrase like ‘I like your shoes’ can be misinterpreted as rudeness or sarcasm or people failing to smile or say hello to you when you pass the must mean that they hate you.
The demon inside your mind will always bring out the negative in everything; your children make a mistake and you are suddenly a bad parent, a person you try connecting with does not respond in the way you want and you are instantly ‘unworthy’ of their attention, a piece of clothing does not look right and instantly you are the ‘wrong’ body shape.
How do you cope with the demons?
This is a question that seems almost impossible to solve; we are being bombarded every day with things that could ignite our inner demon, especially with the rise in technology, meaning you cannot escape from the negativity that life can bring. Life has become a constant hamster wheel of stimuli and information that is so hectic and busy that it can immerse us and make us feel there is no way out, no escape from the ‘rat race’ that modern day society brings. So how do you cope with your inner demons?
Sometimes you have to rationalise these negative thoughts in order to gain some perspective on the situation. When a situation occurs, very often the demon can twist and turn your thoughts around and make you believe something that is innocent is something that is causing you great distress. Sometimes you have to step back and imagine if your friend was telling you the situation, what would you say to them;
Situation: someone has seen your message but has not replied.
Demon thoughts: ‘They hate you, that is why they are not replying, you are weird and people dislike you’
Friend would say: ‘Maybe they are busy and will get to you soon’ ‘If they do not reply, that does not mean you are any less important than everyone else.’
Another phrase that you need to remember when dealing with the negative demons inside your head is the phrase ‘It is not all always about you’. This might sound harsh but it is not meant to be, it is a reminder that everyone else has their own thoughts, motivation and opinions on life that can sometimes differ from your own. People have their own demon thoughts and their behaviour is being dictated by them; sometimes you can be on the other side of that and feel like it is your fault but it really is not, you cannot control how people think.
The last phrase that needs to be used when dealing with our inner demons is ‘I am enough’, like I said in ‘Keeping up with the Jones’ you should avoid the temptation of comparison and embrace the fact that every human is the same and holds their own value in the world, you are worth it and you are no more or less than anybody else on this planet. You have worth, are uniquely special and should embrace that rather than comparing yourself to others or using the opinions of others to define who you are.
I feel that this is something that is often overlooked and forgotten but is such an integral part in keeping a lid on the negative demons. What are the things that you are grateful for? Focusing on the positive elements of your life can help deminish the thoughts that the demon puts inside your head. In my bullet journal I have a page each month where I write goals of the month and what I am grateful for; these do not have to be big things but the small things that make life better like being able to do some painting with my children or having a caramelised pecan latte from Starbucks. Looking at the things that add value to your life is a great step in focusing the mind away from the negative feelings.
What about when it all gets too much?
I started writing this post in the state where I was ready to throw the towel in and there were a few things that I did to help myself fight the demons inside my head and regain my composure over the situation and things around me. I reached out to some of my friends and spoke to them about it and they provided the alternative viewpoint that I was looking for. I told myself repeatedly that ‘it was not always about me’ to calm the paranoia down and the last thing I did, which is a step I take if I am really struggling to stop the demon thoughts is to go and have a nap or go to bed early.
I have been feeling the immense exhaustion that the end of each term brings for a teacher and just gave into my natural instinct which was to ‘sleep it off’. This step might be hard for some as falling asleep can be a nightmare, but even just lying down, getting comfy and just relaxing can recharge your brain enough to be able to put things into perspective and help you move on.
If all else is failing to banish the demons from inside your mind then I would encourage you to reach out and get some help, even if it is just confiding in a friend or your partner who can help you through this time. If that does not work then there is loads of help you can get professionally from your GP and I urge you to do so if the negative demons are consuming you to the point that you cannot function as you would normally do.
I hope that this post, which I started writing as a way to deal with my own negative demons, has helped you in some way to face your own demons and put them into perspective. I would love to know how you deal with your inner demons, just let me know in the comments. Also if there is any of you that are suffering and need someone to talk to, then just drop me a message, I am here to help.
Ciao for now beauties xx